Beyond the Empty Nest

How to broaden your field of view and imagine what is possible after the children leave home.

If you're entering the empty-nesting phase of life and have one eye on your young adult’s transition, you might have barely begun thinking about what comes next for you. This stage, which starts after the youngest child leaves home, has been called “empty nesting” for over a century (Fisher, 2010). The image of the empty nest highlights what is lost, but you can expand your perspective to include a bright future for yourself on the horizon.

This phase of life deserves a fresh perspective! Empty nesting is not solely about emptiness or losing what once was. Your children growing up and moving out can evoke many emotions. Some may include sadness over how quickly their childhoods passed or uncertainty as they venture into new territory. However, it can also bring relief from parenting duties, along with curiosity and excitement about new opportunities. This stage of life can be joyful and filled with new possibilities if you acknowledge the loss while focusing on the positive. Let’s begin with an example.

Beverly was very proud of her daughter for landing a full-time job after college and beginning to support herself. Beverly helped her find an apartment and settle in. After her daughter moved the last of her belongings into the new place, Beverly looked around her daughter’s old room at their family home. The bed was made, and a few items were scattered around—an old T-shirt, some unfinished arts and crafts projects, and a few novels. The room was filled with memories of bedtime stories, preparing for sports and dances, and even some tough conversations. Beverly felt both grateful for the time she shared with her growing daughter and sad that it was time for her to move out. She looked at the room one last time, sighed, and closed the door. “So, this is empty nesting. What should I do now?” she wondered.

While closing her daughter’s bedroom door for the first time, Beverly represents the grief parents experience when their children leave home. It is a loss not just of childhood but also of their role as parents. However, there are ways to avoid feeling stuck or held back by this loss. You can expand your perspective on this life transition by also feeling relief from the strain of parenting responsibilities. This broader view can be associated with increased social interactions, less loneliness, and a stronger sense of well-being (Hartano et al. 2024). When you widen your outlook to include joy, relationships, and your well-being, you can see a whole life beyond that empty nest.

Make joy happen.

To find joy, you need to put yourself in situations you might enjoy. Let’s go back to Beverly to see how she shifted from a close-up view of her daughter’s empty bedroom to a panoramic view of her life, and how this change brought about some joyful moments.

Although she missed her children, Beverly was relieved to have less responsibility. At first, she felt unsure about what to do with her extra time. She thought about things she used to do before having children and remembered how much she enjoyed playing basketball as a kid. It had been decades since she played, and she did not feel ready to play again. Then she got creative and reached out to some of her high school teammates. They had a great time connecting on a video chat and reminiscing about their old team. Eventually, they got together to attend a college women’s basketball game, followed by dinner, where they shared stories and many laughs.

With a broader perspective, Beverly reflected on her life before having children. When their children leave home, parents sometimes forget what they once enjoyed or struggle to figure out where to start. Think about all the things that brought you happiness, like creative pursuits, sports, or spiritual practices. Alternatively, you might be passionate about your job and eager to advance your career. Now is a great time to dive into one or more of these activities.

Alternatively, this can be a great time to try something new. You might already have some ideas about things you would like to explore. Returning to something you enjoyed earlier or starting something fresh might feel overwhelming at first. Start small and be creative. Once you begin, you will likely find it is easier than you expected.

Nurture your relationships.

Research shows that relationships promote personal growth during difficult times (Jiang, 2023). However, we must nurture our relationships for this to happen. Let us see how Beverly cared for relationships.

Having been deeply involved in her children’s activities through coaching and volunteering, Beverly realized that she had become somewhat disconnected from her other friends, family members, and communities. Over the years, she attended fewer book club meetings, went to religious services only on holidays, and often skipped family gatherings. She resolved to reconnect by going back to book club meetings and religious services, and she decided to host a dinner at her house for her siblings. Additionally, she reached out to a local empty-nesting support group, where she made a few new friends and quickly learned that she was not alone in this experience.

Our social connections can offer support in many ways, such as practical help, emotional comfort, and companionship. When Beverly evaluated her relationships, she realized she had a variety of connections that needed attention. She also understood she wanted to meet people experiencing a similar change. You can do the same for yourself. Make a list of people and communities who have supported you, then consider which ones you want to nurture. Find simple ways to connect with people, either face-to-face or through technology. The connections can be brief and straightforward.

If you are looking for support from people in a similar life stage, you can find them on social media platforms like Meetup and Facebook groups, which may offer in-person meetings in your area or virtual gatherings online. You may find these connections reassuring.

Remember that community experts can offer specific support if you're feeling stuck. For example, your primary care doctor can evaluate your health and assist you in reaching your wellness goals. Dr. Lauren Rosen, a physician at LSR Wellness in Haverford, PA, shared how she helps patients in this stage of life. She explained, “A primary care doctor is most effective when evaluating a patient's symptoms in the context of his or her current life events. It's crucial to have an in-depth conversation to explore symptoms and develop an action plan that addresses this patient's concerns and situation.” Your primary care doctor can also refer you to a therapist who can help you understand your thoughts and feelings and offer advice on managing stress related to role changes. You can also find a therapist by searching on Google.com or PsychologyToday.com.

Care for your well-being.

Sometimes, the emotional effects of life changes show up in our bodies before we realize they are affecting us. Dr. Rosen explained, “Someone who has just become an empty nester may come to the office with symptoms such as a racing heart, fatigue, or decreased appetite. After more conversation, a doctor understands that these could be signs of depression or anxiety.”Let’s see how Beverly experienced this.

Finding it hard to adjust to not cooking for a whole family, Beverly sometimes ate cereal for dinner. On these nights, she had low energy, skipped the gym, and did not sleep well. Then she was tired the next day. Eventually, she went to her doctor to see if something was wrong. Her medical tests were all normal, so she and her doctor discussed how to get back to caring for her health and wellness.

During this time of transition, pay attention to how you care for your well-being. Focus on eating a balanced diet, exercising regularly, staying hydrated, and getting enough sleep. You might have set aside these needs while caring for your children, and now it is time to re-commit to caring for yourself. The change in routine may require creating a new schedule. Mealtime may feel lonely. Now is a good time to refocus on your healthy habits by planning, following them as much as possible, and revising them when necessary. It may not seem easy at first, but you will quickly feel better.

This is a good time to recognize unhealthy habits, too. Drinking alcohol, watching TV, and scrolling social media are all okay in moderation. However, it's easy to spend more time than intended on any of these, especially when feeling anxious, lonely, or sad. You deserve to feel good, so try to keep these in check.

Capture a new photo.

With your children having flown the nest, you now have the freedom to explore your options and decide where to go next. You can experiment with different camera angles to find what works best. Through joyful activities, strong relationships, and a focus on your well-being, you are in a great position to shape your vision of what's next. Step back from your empty nest and enjoy the broad view. What do you see? What is in your photo of life after the empty nest?

References:

Fisher, D. C. (2010). Mothers and children (1914). Kessinger Publishing.

Hartanto, A., Sim, L., Lee, D., Majeed, N. M., & Yong, J. C. (2024). Cultural contexts differentially shape parents’ loneliness and well-being during the empty nest period. Communications Psychology, 2(1), 105. https://doi.org/10.1038/s44271-024-00156-8

Jiang, T., Canevello, A., & Crocker, J. (2023). How relationships foster growth: Compassionate goals predict growth-seeking through perceived available support independent of relationship security. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 49(6), 852–870. https://doi.org/10.1177/01461672221080949

This blog post is dedicated to the parents who participated in the Empty Nesting discussion at LSR Wellness in August 2025.

That Self-Critical Voice in Your Head May Be Bossy, But Don’t Let It Be the Boss

Imagine you’re leaving work for the day and run into a colleague who is struggling to finish preparing a presentation. What would you say to them? It would probably be something compassionate, such as “I’ve seen you give some great presentations. I’m sure this one will be great too,” or “That’s tough, we’ve all been there. You’ve got this.”

Now, imagine you’re the one struggling. What would you be saying to yourself?  How often is it something like, “You should have started sooner,” or “People will be disappointed if you don’t get this right”?

We offer compassion to others in challenging situations, yet it's often difficult to extend the same grace to ourselves. You’re not alone! We all have a self-critical voice in our head that sometimes tells us we’re not good enough. Some people refer to it as the “inner critic.” That self-critical voice serves a good purpose – to motivate us. When it takes over our thoughts and drowns out other thoughts in our minds, though, there are some unintended consequences as well. It increases stress hormones, leading to negative emotions such as irritability and anxiety, and activates our immune system, which in turn causes inflammation. These responses leave us wanting to replay in our minds what we could have done differently, rather than focusing on what we need to do, and eventually leave us feeling tired and ineffective.  We may procrastinate or end up scrolling our social media feeds instead of finishing the job and moving on.

The good news is that your inner critic may be bossy, but it’s not your boss. So, how can you begin to quiet your inner critic and amplify your more productive thinking? Here are a few things to try.

Notice when you use the word “should”.

To quiet your inner critic, you first need to recognize when it’s present. Many self-critical thoughts include the word “should”. For example, “you should be able to do this by now”, “you should have started earlier”, “you should be better at this”. When you catch yourself using the word “should”, it’s a good time to stop and think about what you’re saying to yourself. Do you need to be so hard on yourself? Is that voice getting you the results you want? If not, then it’s a good time to take a moment and see what other thoughts may also be in your mind. You could try sitting quietly for 2-3 minutes and breathing. While you’re sitting quietly, try to notice what else you may be thinking. Even though your self-critical voice may be the loudest at some moments, it’s not the only voice in your head. There are probably some other, less critical thoughts in your mind that would be helpful to amplify.

Offer yourself a kinder voice.

Once you notice what you’re thinking, you have more power to choose which thoughts to pay attention to. Perhaps when you took a moment to reflect on your thoughts, you found some compassionate ones, like those you readily extend to your family, friends, and colleagues when they’re struggling. Try to direct your attention toward those thoughts.

If you're having trouble finding compassionate thoughts and you’re stuck in the “shoulds,” try replacing the word “should” with the word “wish”. For example, “I wish I had started this sooner” is gentler than “I should have started this sooner,” which leaves room for you to shrug off the mistake and move on. You can also try thinking something even kinder, such as “This may be stressful right now, but it’ll be okay.”

Remember that you’re human.

Once you’ve noticed your self-critical voice and given at least equal, if not more, voice to your kinder and more productive thoughts, remind yourself that you’re only human.  You won’t be able to silence your inner critic altogether. When we’re in a difficult situation, stress, fear, and anxiety can bring out our inner critic – and remember it does serve a purpose. Still, with practice, we can learn to recognize our inner critic and redirect our attention to more productive thinking when needed. There is good reason to do this, too. Research has shown that offering ourselves compassion has numerous benefits, including reduced anxiety, a sense of less isolation or loneliness, and even fewer colds, aches, and pains (Neff, 2023).

Do you need further guidance on quieting your inner critic and offering yourself more compassion?  This website has several guided practices and advice backed by science https://self-compassion.org/self-compassion-practices/. You could also try some meditations, such as this one, on the Insight Timer app https://insighttimer.com/auteur/guided-meditations/inner-critic-meditation_1. Cognitive behavioral therapy can also help you understand more deeply how and when your negative thinking takes charge and can help you learn to challenge that negative thinking to feel less anxious and more in control.

What’s one small step you can take today to offer yourself more kindness and compassion? Perhaps you can take a moment to notice when you think you should be doing something better, and then find and give voice to a kinder thought in your mind. These little steps add up to significant changes over time. You’ve got this!

How to Tell Yourself It’s OK to Relax – So Your Mind and Body Will Listen

Anxiety is part of being human. When we’re anxious, the sympathetic nervous system becomes activated, increasing our heart rate and redirecting blood to our arms and legs. To accomplish this, breathing also becomes quick and shallow. Once upon a time, this was a handy way for our ancestors to quickly fight or flee from predators while hunting and gathering food, thus earning it the name “fight-or-flight” response.

In modern times, preparing our bodies to fight or flee is not helpful when sitting in a meeting, class, social gathering, or while working on a computer. This mismatch between our bodily responses and modern responsibilities makes us feel like we need to pace around, tap our feet, bite our fingernails, or engage in other activities to release that extra energy. Since our bodies can’t go anywhere, our minds get busy revisiting things that have already happened or what may go wrong in the future. It’s exhausting!

In those moments of anxiety, it’s natural to tell yourself, “Just relax,” or “Stop worrying,” but we all know that usually doesn’t work very well. So, how do we tell our minds and bodies it’s okay to relax so that they listen? Here are a few things to try.

Take deep breaths.

When you feel anxious, one of the simplest things to do is take a few long, deep breaths that fill the deepest part of your lungs. Try to inhale deeply, allowing your belly to expand, then exhale slowly and evenly. If possible, let the exhale last longer than the inhale. Keep your shoulders down to avoid returning to that shallow breathing. Want guidance on breathing? You can try an app such as Insight Timer, which offers brief (3-5 minute) or longer practices for deep breathing.

Why does deep breathing work?

In a way, your breath talks to your mind, communicating that the threat is gone. Deep breathing interrupts the sympathetic response, allowing the opposing parasympathetic response to take effect, which will help your body and mind relax.

Think to yourself, “I’m safe”.

Another thing that happens during fight or flight is that our minds become efficient and hyper-focused. Think about it. If you had to run away from a predator, would it be helpful to think about anything else? Would you deliberate or weigh your options? No! At that moment, your mind has one job: find safety.

Modern “dangers” are not often predators, but may be abstract problems, such as relationship issues or health concerns. When we’re concerned about these, our minds go looking for clues about how to find safety, repeatedly thinking about how we could or should have done something differently and imagining how things might go wrong in the future. By doing this, our minds believe they’re doing something; instead, we become worn out. It’s like having an app running in the background on our phone, until it drains the battery.

There is a subtle, yet significant difference between thinking to yourself, “Stop worrying,” and thinking, “I’m safe.” “Stop worrying” doesn’t give your mind any direction about where to go, and it will keep looking for danger until it gets the message that it doesn’t need to do that anymore. Thinking to yourself, “I’m safe,” tells your mind that the threat is gone, and you can give your sympathetic nervous system a much-needed break.

Look for evidence against the threat.

Once your mind stops looking for the threat, you can direct it toward further evidence that you are okay. As your body transitions out of the fight-or-flight response, your mind becomes more receptive to new information. This is a great time to intentionally give your mind more details about why you are truly safe. Could you think about the reasons why you are safe? It can be as simple as the fact that you feel the ground beneath your feet. Another good area to focus on is the people who love and support you. Think about them as evidence that you’re not alone and have help.

Please be sure to stick with it and accept help when needed.

These practices take time, and that's okay. You don’t have to do them perfectly—you just have to begin. If you'd like more support, you may find it helpful to use a guided workbook, such as The Anxiety and Worry Workbook by David Clark and Aaron Beck, or to talk to a therapist trained in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). You deserve tools that truly help and support you along the way.

Is there one small thing you could try today, like taking a few deep breaths or saying “I’m safe” out loud? Little shifts add up. You may be doing better than you think.

Feeling Stuck? 3 Gentle Ways to Start Making a Change

For this first “Change is Possible” blog post, let’s begin by asking how someone starts to make a change in their life.

I’m reminded of a client I’ll call James, who was socially anxious and struggling to get back into the dating world after a difficult divorce. He told me it felt overwhelming even to imagine starting over—like he didn’t know where to begin or whether he even wanted to. Building new relationships felt out of reach, but staying isolated didn’t feel good either.

Everyone’s situation is different, but we’ve all felt like James—knowing something needs to shift, but feeling completely stuck. Maybe we’re scared. Perhaps we don’t have the energy. Maybe life shifted on us unexpectedly, and we haven’t caught up yet.

You’re not alone in this. The good news is, you don’t need to overhaul everything overnight. You just need a place to start—one small step at a time.

Here are three gentle strategies that can help you begin.

1. Visualize the outcome

Before you think about how to get there, pause and imagine what life will feel like after the change has taken root. Close your eyes. Picture yourself on the other side. What does your body feel like? Maybe there’s a smile on your face. Maybe your shoulders are more relaxed. Is your breathing steadier?

Now, could you tune into your emotions? You might notice a flicker of contentment, joy, or hope. Let those feelings sink in. These positive emotions aren’t just pleasant—they can give you a gentle boost to take that first step forward.

For James, this meant picturing what it would feel like to feel comfortable in his own skin again—and maybe reconnect with a few friends. He didn’t have to imagine dating or marriage yet. Just a sense of connection was enough to get started.

2. Talk to yourself like your own best friend

Fear often comes with an avalanche of harsh self-talk: “You can’t do this,” “You’ll fail,” “You should’ve figured this out by now.” That kind of thinking can keep you frozen.

Try pausing when those thoughts show up, and ask yourself: What would I say to a friend in this situation? Maybe it’s something like, “You’re doing your best,” or “Just try—you don’t have to have it all figured out.” For example, James told himself, “I’ll be okay. I can build relationships one conversation at a time.”

Now turn that same kindness toward yourself. You deserve the same support you’d offer someone you care about. Encouraging self-talk can soften fear and help you feel safer taking the next step.

3. Start as small as possible

Ask yourself: What’s the tiniest thing I could do today that moves me closer to where I want to be? Then do that small thing—something you can complete in five minutes or less.

James began by asking someone a question at a local coffee shop.

When you’re done, take a moment to notice how it feels. Even small wins can create momentum. Savor it. Let it soak in. That sense of progress, no matter how small, makes it easier to choose the next small step tomorrow.

Just like caterpillars don’t become butterflies overnight, humans also take time to change and grow. The hardest part is often just getting started. These three steps can help you begin. James’s coffee shop questions turned into conversations, friendships, and eventually even dating again.

Some days will feel easier than others—and that’s okay. What matters is that you keep showing up for yourself, one step at a time. Like James, change might begin with just one question or one tiny act of courage. It doesn't have to be big to be meaningful.

You’ve got this.

References:

Neff, K. (2015). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. William Morrow.

Nezu, A. M., & Nezu, C. M. (2019). Emotion-centered problem-solving therapy: Treatment guidelines. Springer.