How to Tell Yourself It’s OK to Relax – So Your Mind and Body Will Listen

Anxiety is part of being human. When we’re anxious, the sympathetic nervous system becomes activated, increasing our heart rate and redirecting blood to our arms and legs. To accomplish this, breathing also becomes quick and shallow. Once upon a time, this was a handy way for our ancestors to quickly fight or flee from predators while hunting and gathering food, thus earning it the name “fight-or-flight” response.

In modern times, preparing our bodies to fight or flee is not helpful when sitting in a meeting, class, social gathering, or while working on a computer. This mismatch between our bodily responses and modern responsibilities makes us feel like we need to pace around, tap our feet, bite our fingernails, or engage in other activities to release that extra energy. Since our bodies can’t go anywhere, our minds get busy revisiting things that have already happened or what may go wrong in the future. It’s exhausting!

In those moments of anxiety, it’s natural to tell yourself, “Just relax,” or “Stop worrying,” but we all know that usually doesn’t work very well. So, how do we tell our minds and bodies it’s okay to relax so that they listen? Here are a few things to try.

Take deep breaths.

When you feel anxious, one of the simplest things to do is take a few long, deep breaths that fill the deepest part of your lungs. Try to inhale deeply, allowing your belly to expand, then exhale slowly and evenly. If possible, let the exhale last longer than the inhale. Keep your shoulders down to avoid returning to that shallow breathing. Want guidance on breathing? You can try an app such as Insight Timer, which offers brief (3-5 minute) or longer practices for deep breathing.

Why does deep breathing work?

In a way, your breath talks to your mind, communicating that the threat is gone. Deep breathing interrupts the sympathetic response, allowing the opposing parasympathetic response to take effect, which will help your body and mind relax.

Think to yourself, “I’m safe”.

Another thing that happens during fight or flight is that our minds become efficient and hyper-focused. Think about it. If you had to run away from a predator, would it be helpful to think about anything else? Would you deliberate or weigh your options? No! At that moment, your mind has one job: find safety.

Modern “dangers” are not often predators, but may be abstract problems, such as relationship issues or health concerns. When we’re concerned about these, our minds go looking for clues about how to find safety, repeatedly thinking about how we could or should have done something differently and imagining how things might go wrong in the future. By doing this, our minds believe they’re doing something; instead, we become worn out. It’s like having an app running in the background on our phone, until it drains the battery.

There is a subtle, yet significant difference between thinking to yourself, “Stop worrying,” and thinking, “I’m safe.” “Stop worrying” doesn’t give your mind any direction about where to go, and it will keep looking for danger until it gets the message that it doesn’t need to do that anymore. Thinking to yourself, “I’m safe,” tells your mind that the threat is gone, and you can give your sympathetic nervous system a much-needed break.

Look for evidence against the threat.

Once your mind stops looking for the threat, you can direct it toward further evidence that you are okay. As your body transitions out of the fight-or-flight response, your mind becomes more receptive to new information. This is a great time to intentionally give your mind more details about why you are truly safe. Could you think about the reasons why you are safe? It can be as simple as the fact that you feel the ground beneath your feet. Another good area to focus on is the people who love and support you. Think about them as evidence that you’re not alone and have help.

Please be sure to stick with it and accept help when needed.

These practices take time, and that's okay. You don’t have to do them perfectly—you just have to begin. If you'd like more support, you may find it helpful to use a guided workbook, such as The Anxiety and Worry Workbook by David Clark and Aaron Beck, or to talk to a therapist trained in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). You deserve tools that truly help and support you along the way.

Is there one small thing you could try today, like taking a few deep breaths or saying “I’m safe” out loud? Little shifts add up. You may be doing better than you think.

Feeling Stuck? 3 Gentle Ways to Start Making a Change

For this first “Change is Possible” blog post, let’s begin by asking how someone starts to make a change in their life.

I’m reminded of a client I’ll call James, who was socially anxious and struggling to get back into the dating world after a difficult divorce. He told me it felt overwhelming even to imagine starting over—like he didn’t know where to begin or whether he even wanted to. Building new relationships felt out of reach, but staying isolated didn’t feel good either.

Everyone’s situation is different, but we’ve all felt like James—knowing something needs to shift, but feeling completely stuck. Maybe we’re scared. Perhaps we don’t have the energy. Maybe life shifted on us unexpectedly, and we haven’t caught up yet.

You’re not alone in this. The good news is, you don’t need to overhaul everything overnight. You just need a place to start—one small step at a time.

Here are three gentle strategies that can help you begin.

1. Visualize the outcome

Before you think about how to get there, pause and imagine what life will feel like after the change has taken root. Close your eyes. Picture yourself on the other side. What does your body feel like? Maybe there’s a smile on your face. Maybe your shoulders are more relaxed. Is your breathing steadier?

Now, could you tune into your emotions? You might notice a flicker of contentment, joy, or hope. Let those feelings sink in. These positive emotions aren’t just pleasant—they can give you a gentle boost to take that first step forward.

For James, this meant picturing what it would feel like to feel comfortable in his own skin again—and maybe reconnect with a few friends. He didn’t have to imagine dating or marriage yet. Just a sense of connection was enough to get started.

2. Talk to yourself like your own best friend

Fear often comes with an avalanche of harsh self-talk: “You can’t do this,” “You’ll fail,” “You should’ve figured this out by now.” That kind of thinking can keep you frozen.

Try pausing when those thoughts show up, and ask yourself: What would I say to a friend in this situation? Maybe it’s something like, “You’re doing your best,” or “Just try—you don’t have to have it all figured out.” For example, James told himself, “I’ll be okay. I can build relationships one conversation at a time.”

Now turn that same kindness toward yourself. You deserve the same support you’d offer someone you care about. Encouraging self-talk can soften fear and help you feel safer taking the next step.

3. Start as small as possible

Ask yourself: What’s the tiniest thing I could do today that moves me closer to where I want to be? Then do that small thing—something you can complete in five minutes or less.

James began by asking someone a question at a local coffee shop.

When you’re done, take a moment to notice how it feels. Even small wins can create momentum. Savor it. Let it soak in. That sense of progress, no matter how small, makes it easier to choose the next small step tomorrow.

Just like caterpillars don’t become butterflies overnight, humans also take time to change and grow. The hardest part is often just getting started. These three steps can help you begin. James’s coffee shop questions turned into conversations, friendships, and eventually even dating again.

Some days will feel easier than others—and that’s okay. What matters is that you keep showing up for yourself, one step at a time. Like James, change might begin with just one question or one tiny act of courage. It doesn't have to be big to be meaningful.

You’ve got this.

References:

Neff, K. (2015). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. William Morrow.

Nezu, A. M., & Nezu, C. M. (2019). Emotion-centered problem-solving therapy: Treatment guidelines. Springer.

Blog Post Coming Soon

It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to launch a business. Maybe you want to turn a hobby into something more. Or maybe you have a creative project to share with the world. Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

Don’t worry about sounding professional. Sound like you. There are over 1.5 billion websites out there, but your story is what’s going to separate this one from the rest. If you read the words back and don’t hear your own voice in your head, that’s a good sign you still have more work to do.

Be clear, be confident and don’t overthink it. The beauty of your story is that it’s going to continue to evolve and your site can evolve with it. Your goal should be to make it feel right for right now. Later will take care of itself. It always does.