That Self-Critical Voice in Your Head May Be Bossy, But Don’t Let It Be the Boss

Imagine you’re leaving work for the day and run into a colleague who is struggling to finish preparing a presentation. What would you say to them? It would probably be something compassionate, such as “I’ve seen you give some great presentations. I’m sure this one will be great too,” or “That’s tough, we’ve all been there. You’ve got this.”

Now, imagine you’re the one struggling. What would you be saying to yourself?  How often is it something like, “You should have started sooner,” or “People will be disappointed if you don’t get this right”?

We offer compassion to others in challenging situations, yet it's often difficult to extend the same grace to ourselves. You’re not alone! We all have a self-critical voice in our head that sometimes tells us we’re not good enough. Some people refer to it as the “inner critic.” That self-critical voice serves a good purpose – to motivate us. When it takes over our thoughts and drowns out other thoughts in our minds, though, there are some unintended consequences as well. It increases stress hormones, leading to negative emotions such as irritability and anxiety, and activates our immune system, which in turn causes inflammation. These responses leave us wanting to replay in our minds what we could have done differently, rather than focusing on what we need to do, and eventually leave us feeling tired and ineffective.  We may procrastinate or end up scrolling our social media feeds instead of finishing the job and moving on.

The good news is that your inner critic may be bossy, but it’s not your boss. So, how can you begin to quiet your inner critic and amplify your more productive thinking? Here are a few things to try.

Notice when you use the word “should”.

To quiet your inner critic, you first need to recognize when it’s present. Many self-critical thoughts include the word “should”. For example, “you should be able to do this by now”, “you should have started earlier”, “you should be better at this”. When you catch yourself using the word “should”, it’s a good time to stop and think about what you’re saying to yourself. Do you need to be so hard on yourself? Is that voice getting you the results you want? If not, then it’s a good time to take a moment and see what other thoughts may also be in your mind. You could try sitting quietly for 2-3 minutes and breathing. While you’re sitting quietly, try to notice what else you may be thinking. Even though your self-critical voice may be the loudest at some moments, it’s not the only voice in your head. There are probably some other, less critical thoughts in your mind that would be helpful to amplify.

Offer yourself a kinder voice.

Once you notice what you’re thinking, you have more power to choose which thoughts to pay attention to. Perhaps when you took a moment to reflect on your thoughts, you found some compassionate ones, like those you readily extend to your family, friends, and colleagues when they’re struggling. Try to direct your attention toward those thoughts.

If you're having trouble finding compassionate thoughts and you’re stuck in the “shoulds,” try replacing the word “should” with the word “wish”. For example, “I wish I had started this sooner” is gentler than “I should have started this sooner,” which leaves room for you to shrug off the mistake and move on. You can also try thinking something even kinder, such as “This may be stressful right now, but it’ll be okay.”

Remember that you’re human.

Once you’ve noticed your self-critical voice and given at least equal, if not more, voice to your kinder and more productive thoughts, remind yourself that you’re only human.  You won’t be able to silence your inner critic altogether. When we’re in a difficult situation, stress, fear, and anxiety can bring out our inner critic – and remember it does serve a purpose. Still, with practice, we can learn to recognize our inner critic and redirect our attention to more productive thinking when needed. There is good reason to do this, too. Research has shown that offering ourselves compassion has numerous benefits, including reduced anxiety, a sense of less isolation or loneliness, and even fewer colds, aches, and pains (Neff, 2023).

Do you need further guidance on quieting your inner critic and offering yourself more compassion?  This website has several guided practices and advice backed by science https://self-compassion.org/self-compassion-practices/. You could also try some meditations, such as this one, on the Insight Timer app https://insighttimer.com/auteur/guided-meditations/inner-critic-meditation_1. Cognitive behavioral therapy can also help you understand more deeply how and when your negative thinking takes charge and can help you learn to challenge that negative thinking to feel less anxious and more in control.

What’s one small step you can take today to offer yourself more kindness and compassion? Perhaps you can take a moment to notice when you think you should be doing something better, and then find and give voice to a kinder thought in your mind. These little steps add up to significant changes over time. You’ve got this!

How to Tell Yourself It’s OK to Relax – So Your Mind and Body Will Listen

Anxiety is part of being human. When we’re anxious, the sympathetic nervous system becomes activated, increasing our heart rate and redirecting blood to our arms and legs. To accomplish this, breathing also becomes quick and shallow. Once upon a time, this was a handy way for our ancestors to quickly fight or flee from predators while hunting and gathering food, thus earning it the name “fight-or-flight” response.

In modern times, preparing our bodies to fight or flee is not helpful when sitting in a meeting, class, social gathering, or while working on a computer. This mismatch between our bodily responses and modern responsibilities makes us feel like we need to pace around, tap our feet, bite our fingernails, or engage in other activities to release that extra energy. Since our bodies can’t go anywhere, our minds get busy revisiting things that have already happened or what may go wrong in the future. It’s exhausting!

In those moments of anxiety, it’s natural to tell yourself, “Just relax,” or “Stop worrying,” but we all know that usually doesn’t work very well. So, how do we tell our minds and bodies it’s okay to relax so that they listen? Here are a few things to try.

Take deep breaths.

When you feel anxious, one of the simplest things to do is take a few long, deep breaths that fill the deepest part of your lungs. Try to inhale deeply, allowing your belly to expand, then exhale slowly and evenly. If possible, let the exhale last longer than the inhale. Keep your shoulders down to avoid returning to that shallow breathing. Want guidance on breathing? You can try an app such as Insight Timer, which offers brief (3-5 minute) or longer practices for deep breathing.

Why does deep breathing work?

In a way, your breath talks to your mind, communicating that the threat is gone. Deep breathing interrupts the sympathetic response, allowing the opposing parasympathetic response to take effect, which will help your body and mind relax.

Think to yourself, “I’m safe”.

Another thing that happens during fight or flight is that our minds become efficient and hyper-focused. Think about it. If you had to run away from a predator, would it be helpful to think about anything else? Would you deliberate or weigh your options? No! At that moment, your mind has one job: find safety.

Modern “dangers” are not often predators, but may be abstract problems, such as relationship issues or health concerns. When we’re concerned about these, our minds go looking for clues about how to find safety, repeatedly thinking about how we could or should have done something differently and imagining how things might go wrong in the future. By doing this, our minds believe they’re doing something; instead, we become worn out. It’s like having an app running in the background on our phone, until it drains the battery.

There is a subtle, yet significant difference between thinking to yourself, “Stop worrying,” and thinking, “I’m safe.” “Stop worrying” doesn’t give your mind any direction about where to go, and it will keep looking for danger until it gets the message that it doesn’t need to do that anymore. Thinking to yourself, “I’m safe,” tells your mind that the threat is gone, and you can give your sympathetic nervous system a much-needed break.

Look for evidence against the threat.

Once your mind stops looking for the threat, you can direct it toward further evidence that you are okay. As your body transitions out of the fight-or-flight response, your mind becomes more receptive to new information. This is a great time to intentionally give your mind more details about why you are truly safe. Could you think about the reasons why you are safe? It can be as simple as the fact that you feel the ground beneath your feet. Another good area to focus on is the people who love and support you. Think about them as evidence that you’re not alone and have help.

Please be sure to stick with it and accept help when needed.

These practices take time, and that's okay. You don’t have to do them perfectly—you just have to begin. If you'd like more support, you may find it helpful to use a guided workbook, such as The Anxiety and Worry Workbook by David Clark and Aaron Beck, or to talk to a therapist trained in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). You deserve tools that truly help and support you along the way.

Is there one small thing you could try today, like taking a few deep breaths or saying “I’m safe” out loud? Little shifts add up. You may be doing better than you think.

Feeling Stuck? 3 Gentle Ways to Start Making a Change

For this first “Change is Possible” blog post, let’s begin by asking how someone starts to make a change in their life.

I’m reminded of a client I’ll call James, who was socially anxious and struggling to get back into the dating world after a difficult divorce. He told me it felt overwhelming even to imagine starting over—like he didn’t know where to begin or whether he even wanted to. Building new relationships felt out of reach, but staying isolated didn’t feel good either.

Everyone’s situation is different, but we’ve all felt like James—knowing something needs to shift, but feeling completely stuck. Maybe we’re scared. Perhaps we don’t have the energy. Maybe life shifted on us unexpectedly, and we haven’t caught up yet.

You’re not alone in this. The good news is, you don’t need to overhaul everything overnight. You just need a place to start—one small step at a time.

Here are three gentle strategies that can help you begin.

1. Visualize the outcome

Before you think about how to get there, pause and imagine what life will feel like after the change has taken root. Close your eyes. Picture yourself on the other side. What does your body feel like? Maybe there’s a smile on your face. Maybe your shoulders are more relaxed. Is your breathing steadier?

Now, could you tune into your emotions? You might notice a flicker of contentment, joy, or hope. Let those feelings sink in. These positive emotions aren’t just pleasant—they can give you a gentle boost to take that first step forward.

For James, this meant picturing what it would feel like to feel comfortable in his own skin again—and maybe reconnect with a few friends. He didn’t have to imagine dating or marriage yet. Just a sense of connection was enough to get started.

2. Talk to yourself like your own best friend

Fear often comes with an avalanche of harsh self-talk: “You can’t do this,” “You’ll fail,” “You should’ve figured this out by now.” That kind of thinking can keep you frozen.

Try pausing when those thoughts show up, and ask yourself: What would I say to a friend in this situation? Maybe it’s something like, “You’re doing your best,” or “Just try—you don’t have to have it all figured out.” For example, James told himself, “I’ll be okay. I can build relationships one conversation at a time.”

Now turn that same kindness toward yourself. You deserve the same support you’d offer someone you care about. Encouraging self-talk can soften fear and help you feel safer taking the next step.

3. Start as small as possible

Ask yourself: What’s the tiniest thing I could do today that moves me closer to where I want to be? Then do that small thing—something you can complete in five minutes or less.

James began by asking someone a question at a local coffee shop.

When you’re done, take a moment to notice how it feels. Even small wins can create momentum. Savor it. Let it soak in. That sense of progress, no matter how small, makes it easier to choose the next small step tomorrow.

Just like caterpillars don’t become butterflies overnight, humans also take time to change and grow. The hardest part is often just getting started. These three steps can help you begin. James’s coffee shop questions turned into conversations, friendships, and eventually even dating again.

Some days will feel easier than others—and that’s okay. What matters is that you keep showing up for yourself, one step at a time. Like James, change might begin with just one question or one tiny act of courage. It doesn't have to be big to be meaningful.

You’ve got this.

References:

Neff, K. (2015). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. William Morrow.

Nezu, A. M., & Nezu, C. M. (2019). Emotion-centered problem-solving therapy: Treatment guidelines. Springer.