How to Tell Yourself It’s OK to Relax – So Your Mind and Body Will Listen

Anxiety is part of being human. When we’re anxious, the sympathetic nervous system becomes activated, increasing our heart rate and redirecting blood to our arms and legs. To accomplish this, breathing also becomes quick and shallow. Once upon a time, this was a handy way for our ancestors to quickly fight or flee from predators while hunting and gathering food, thus earning it the name “fight-or-flight” response.

In modern times, preparing our bodies to fight or flee is not helpful when sitting in a meeting, class, social gathering, or while working on a computer. This mismatch between our bodily responses and modern responsibilities makes us feel like we need to pace around, tap our feet, bite our fingernails, or engage in other activities to release that extra energy. Since our bodies can’t go anywhere, our minds get busy revisiting things that have already happened or what may go wrong in the future. It’s exhausting!

In those moments of anxiety, it’s natural to tell yourself, “Just relax,” or “Stop worrying,” but we all know that usually doesn’t work very well. So, how do we tell our minds and bodies it’s okay to relax so that they listen? Here are a few things to try.

Take deep breaths.

When you feel anxious, one of the simplest things to do is take a few long, deep breaths that fill the deepest part of your lungs. Try to inhale deeply, allowing your belly to expand, then exhale slowly and evenly. If possible, let the exhale last longer than the inhale. Keep your shoulders down to avoid returning to that shallow breathing. Want guidance on breathing? You can try an app such as Insight Timer, which offers brief (3-5 minute) or longer practices for deep breathing.

Why does deep breathing work?

In a way, your breath talks to your mind, communicating that the threat is gone. Deep breathing interrupts the sympathetic response, allowing the opposing parasympathetic response to take effect, which will help your body and mind relax.

Think to yourself, “I’m safe”.

Another thing that happens during fight or flight is that our minds become efficient and hyper-focused. Think about it. If you had to run away from a predator, would it be helpful to think about anything else? Would you deliberate or weigh your options? No! At that moment, your mind has one job: find safety.

Modern “dangers” are not often predators, but may be abstract problems, such as relationship issues or health concerns. When we’re concerned about these, our minds go looking for clues about how to find safety, repeatedly thinking about how we could or should have done something differently and imagining how things might go wrong in the future. By doing this, our minds believe they’re doing something; instead, we become worn out. It’s like having an app running in the background on our phone, until it drains the battery.

There is a subtle, yet significant difference between thinking to yourself, “Stop worrying,” and thinking, “I’m safe.” “Stop worrying” doesn’t give your mind any direction about where to go, and it will keep looking for danger until it gets the message that it doesn’t need to do that anymore. Thinking to yourself, “I’m safe,” tells your mind that the threat is gone, and you can give your sympathetic nervous system a much-needed break.

Look for evidence against the threat.

Once your mind stops looking for the threat, you can direct it toward further evidence that you are okay. As your body transitions out of the fight-or-flight response, your mind becomes more receptive to new information. This is a great time to intentionally give your mind more details about why you are truly safe. Could you think about the reasons why you are safe? It can be as simple as the fact that you feel the ground beneath your feet. Another good area to focus on is the people who love and support you. Think about them as evidence that you’re not alone and have help.

Please be sure to stick with it and accept help when needed.

These practices take time, and that's okay. You don’t have to do them perfectly—you just have to begin. If you'd like more support, you may find it helpful to use a guided workbook, such as The Anxiety and Worry Workbook by David Clark and Aaron Beck, or to talk to a therapist trained in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). You deserve tools that truly help and support you along the way.

Is there one small thing you could try today, like taking a few deep breaths or saying “I’m safe” out loud? Little shifts add up. You may be doing better than you think.