That Self-Critical Voice in Your Head May Be Bossy, But Don’t Let It Be the Boss

Imagine you’re leaving work for the day and run into a colleague who is struggling to finish preparing a presentation. What would you say to them? It would probably be something compassionate, such as “I’ve seen you give some great presentations. I’m sure this one will be great too,” or “That’s tough, we’ve all been there. You’ve got this.”

Now, imagine you’re the one struggling. What would you be saying to yourself?  How often is it something like, “You should have started sooner,” or “People will be disappointed if you don’t get this right”?

We offer compassion to others in challenging situations, yet it's often difficult to extend the same grace to ourselves. You’re not alone! We all have a self-critical voice in our head that sometimes tells us we’re not good enough. Some people refer to it as the “inner critic.” That self-critical voice serves a good purpose – to motivate us. When it takes over our thoughts and drowns out other thoughts in our minds, though, there are some unintended consequences as well. It increases stress hormones, leading to negative emotions such as irritability and anxiety, and activates our immune system, which in turn causes inflammation. These responses leave us wanting to replay in our minds what we could have done differently, rather than focusing on what we need to do, and eventually leave us feeling tired and ineffective.  We may procrastinate or end up scrolling our social media feeds instead of finishing the job and moving on.

The good news is that your inner critic may be bossy, but it’s not your boss. So, how can you begin to quiet your inner critic and amplify your more productive thinking? Here are a few things to try.

Notice when you use the word “should”.

To quiet your inner critic, you first need to recognize when it’s present. Many self-critical thoughts include the word “should”. For example, “you should be able to do this by now”, “you should have started earlier”, “you should be better at this”. When you catch yourself using the word “should”, it’s a good time to stop and think about what you’re saying to yourself. Do you need to be so hard on yourself? Is that voice getting you the results you want? If not, then it’s a good time to take a moment and see what other thoughts may also be in your mind. You could try sitting quietly for 2-3 minutes and breathing. While you’re sitting quietly, try to notice what else you may be thinking. Even though your self-critical voice may be the loudest at some moments, it’s not the only voice in your head. There are probably some other, less critical thoughts in your mind that would be helpful to amplify.

Offer yourself a kinder voice.

Once you notice what you’re thinking, you have more power to choose which thoughts to pay attention to. Perhaps when you took a moment to reflect on your thoughts, you found some compassionate ones, like those you readily extend to your family, friends, and colleagues when they’re struggling. Try to direct your attention toward those thoughts.

If you're having trouble finding compassionate thoughts and you’re stuck in the “shoulds,” try replacing the word “should” with the word “wish”. For example, “I wish I had started this sooner” is gentler than “I should have started this sooner,” which leaves room for you to shrug off the mistake and move on. You can also try thinking something even kinder, such as “This may be stressful right now, but it’ll be okay.”

Remember that you’re human.

Once you’ve noticed your self-critical voice and given at least equal, if not more, voice to your kinder and more productive thoughts, remind yourself that you’re only human.  You won’t be able to silence your inner critic altogether. When we’re in a difficult situation, stress, fear, and anxiety can bring out our inner critic – and remember it does serve a purpose. Still, with practice, we can learn to recognize our inner critic and redirect our attention to more productive thinking when needed. There is good reason to do this, too. Research has shown that offering ourselves compassion has numerous benefits, including reduced anxiety, a sense of less isolation or loneliness, and even fewer colds, aches, and pains (Neff, 2023).

Do you need further guidance on quieting your inner critic and offering yourself more compassion?  This website has several guided practices and advice backed by science https://self-compassion.org/self-compassion-practices/. You could also try some meditations, such as this one, on the Insight Timer app https://insighttimer.com/auteur/guided-meditations/inner-critic-meditation_1. Cognitive behavioral therapy can also help you understand more deeply how and when your negative thinking takes charge and can help you learn to challenge that negative thinking to feel less anxious and more in control.

What’s one small step you can take today to offer yourself more kindness and compassion? Perhaps you can take a moment to notice when you think you should be doing something better, and then find and give voice to a kinder thought in your mind. These little steps add up to significant changes over time. You’ve got this!